Friday, May 20, 2011

Lullaby for a lost mermaid...

It hardly seems possible that a whole year has passed since I wrote THIS.  But my little mermaid would be 11 today.  Time passes so quickly.  When I was pregnant, I had great plans to write a lullaby for her, her very own special song, and sing it to her to welcome her into the world.  But I was so busy getting ready for the new arrival, I didn't have time.  I thought, 'it's OK, I'll write one when she arrives.'  I thought I would have all the time in the world, that when I brought her home, I would be able to sing it every night, for many years, to send her off to sleep.

When she arrived I knew there would be no singing her to sleep, no years of kissing her goodnight, that I could never take her home.  I wished I had written that song, so I could welcome her...and say goodbye.  Instead, I sang what I could remember of an old gaelic lullaby...and lament...late one night in the hospital, just her and I together.  I didn't want anyone to hear me singing.  I didn't think they'd understand.  But it was something that I needed to do, the instinct was very strong.

Months later, I did write her lullaby.  It's not a lament, it's the song I might have written if she had come home safe and well.  But I don't have a reason to sing it very often.  So I sang it tonight, and it's rough and painful, but maybe she hears it and knows it's her song.  And it's here if you want to listen too.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hello,
I have just read your posts for to-day and last year, you have written so movingly about your feelings and put into words all the things I (we - my husband and I) feel in my (our)hearts and souls.
My Grace would have been 12 on 17th. April 2011, and from that day, part of me went missing, never to be found until we are together again.
I have an adorable 9 yr old boy now, who is so precious, he knows his (big) sister is in heaven and looking after him, when we visit her grave he talks to her about any and everything, it brings tears of happiness/sadness to my eyes.
I wish you and yours a day of gentleness and love and who knows maybe, where ever they are, two little girls called Morgan Grace and Grace, play together happily.
Take care of ourselves
Maureen

Valerianna said...

Oh goodness, I'm weeping.... beautiful song, Christina!
Blessings to you on this intense day... may you receive and be filled with all the love, nurturing, magic and inspiration you give to the world!

Blessings from the forest - Valerianna

Misty Boston said...

I have a lump in my throat and a lump in my tummy. I'm sorry for your loss of Morgan Grace, beautiful name, just like the beautiful song.

I don't think a lot of people understand how different people grieve. I've had three deaths in the last three months and everyone keeps acting like I shouldn't be sad. :(

Thank you for sharing.
*hands you flowers*

Claire said...

my baby constance would have been 18 on 24 august this year - incredible to think she'd be an adult! i now have a gorgeous boy who'll be 16 this year and another daughter who'll be 14, but as all who have lost children know, a part of our hearts is held only by the child who never got to grow old...
my loving thoughts are with you, you dear mermaid sister, we all hear your beautiful song xxx

Karen said...

I'm so sorry about your sweet baby Grace Christina. I'm sure she is close by you always. A truly beautiful song. Hope you find magic in this day. x

Joel Le Blanc said...

Both your posts really broke my heart. It is really brave of you to get on here and share your story with the online community. Your lullaby is beautiful - for a moment I really thought it was Loreena Mckennitt singing.

Shannon said...

It is beautiful Christina... you might think it is rough but every lap of those waves polished it as smooth as a pearl. My thoughts are with you and sweet Morgan. x

Lunar Hine said...

keening... thank you

Lynn said...

Heartbreaking post, Christina - both of them.
A beautiful, moving lullaby and remembrance for your little girl.
Best wishes.

Claire said...

me again...
you have so inspired me to be brave and honest http://decide-what-you-want.blogspot.com/2011/05/being-brave-and-honest.html

the spirit that moves me said...

Thank you for this beautiful lullaby and for the story of you daughter Morgan. It was deeply moving to me. Your spirit, courage and love will heal others.

judie said...

I went back and read about your precious Morgan Grace. I understand totally that the grief never goes away, but at least becomes more tolerable. And memories fade a little, but never disappear. The hole in the heart is never filled. God Bless you and yours.

Lady of the Greenwood said...

I can't find words to say to express the effect that your blog post had upon me. It is so beautiful that you carry your lost child with you in your heart and so painful to feel your grief.
Love and blessings to you.

naomi orana said...

It's beautiful that Morgan Grace is still alive in your and your families hearts.
Her magic has touched us all.
xo

Charlotte said...

My brother's first daughter; parent's first grandchild; my first niece: bore the same name and fate...she is a part of the family, as are all the others.

Thankyou for the words.

Swan Artworks said...

Painfully beautiful, and I feel it is such a priviledge that you have shared something so deeply personal and from the heart with all of us. I listen with a reverence and quiet empathy for you.
I should have had a big sister, and though I have not suffered this same experience there are many who have and share that understanding with you... I think you are very brave and generous to share this special song...
Carrie xx

Erzebet said...

I'm on a very similar journey. It's been over twenty years. Thank you so much for sharing this. It means a great deal.

Jessie said...

Oh Christina my heart goes out to you. Little Morgan Grace would have loved your song. Thankyou so much for sending your kind congratulations on our new arrival when you must be breaking apart inside at this time of year. I send my love to you.xx

Terri said...

My apologies for adding this comment so late.

One of my closest friends went through something similar, and it is a terrible thing to experience. She found it particularly hard that some people didn't seem to quite understand the nature of her grief, or thought it was somehow less than the death of an older child. I really applaud you for speaking out about something that too many parents feel forced to bear silently.

ruthie said...

Thank you for sharing this treasure, beautiful & so moving x x

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